People get divorced for many reasons. Usually, it’s the small things that build up and harm the relationship. Experts say that most couples who divorce share some common silent problems in their relationship.
Dr. John Gottman says that couples are likely to fail if they show any of these four traits: stonewalling, sarcasm, contempt, and criticism. He refers to these as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Out of these, Gottman believes contempt is the biggest sign of a potential divorce.
Licensed professional counselor E.J. Smith explains to Bustle that while the other three traits can be harmful, contempt is the most damaging. When someone views their partner with contempt or resentment, it affects how they see and understand them. This negative feeling can weaken the desire to work on the relationship. Even positive actions from a partner can be interpreted in a negative way.
Unlike big issues like cheating, these damaging behaviors can be hard to notice. It’s important to recognize them before they cause serious problems. Here are some silent relationship killers that experts say often lead to divorce.
1
Conflict Avoidance
Most people want to avoid conflict because it feels uncomfortable. However, Dr. Connie Omari, a clinician and owner of Tech Talk Therapy, tells Bustle that avoiding conflict is a silent relationship killer because it stops you from resolving issues. When you don’t deal with conflicts, the negativity can grow. It’s important to learn how to handle conflicts the right way. “Not learning these skills can quietly harm your relationship,” she says.
2
Invalidating Emotions
This one can be hard to avoid because it often happens without you realizing it. For example, if your partner says they’re cold but you don’t feel that way, it’s easy to respond with, “It’s not that cold,” without thinking much of it. But comments like this can add up. As Omari points out, you might not mean to be hurtful, but if your partner takes it that way, it can cause problems.
“When someone feels invalidated, they often feel disconnected and unheard,” she explains. “These feelings can quickly weaken a relationship.”
3
Unresolved Trauma
Everyone comes into a relationship with their own baggage. Not dealing with past issues or trauma can harm your relationship without you even knowing it. Dr. Omari explains that when someone has unresolved trauma, they often react to triggers related to that trauma. For example, if you’ve been cheated on before, your partner going away for work might make you feel worried, anxious, and insecure. Instead of allowing your partner to have their space, you might feel the need to constantly check in with them. Handling past trauma isn’t always easy to do alone, and therapy can be really helpful in this situation.
4
Resentment
“Unresolved resentments in a relationship can lead to a breakup,” says Christine Scott-Hudson, a licensed psychotherapist and owner of Create Your Life Studio. Resentment can show up in different ways. Your partner might keep bringing up past issues, or they could be passive-aggressive, sarcastic, or snappy about certain topics. When there’s resentment in a relationship, it usually means that communication isn’t open and honest enough. If you want your marriage to last, good communication is key.
5
White Lies About Money
As a divorce lawyer, Russell D. Knight tells Bustle that financial problems are often the main cause of divorces. “Many couples keep their finances separate,” he says, which doesn’t help them grow closer. If one person likes to spend money while the other prefers to save, it can lead to fights. Hiding financial information can also create trust issues if the other partner finds out. To make your marriage work, being financially on the same page from the start can help you avoid needing a divorce lawyer later on.
6
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is one of Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” According to licensed professional counselor Dr. LaWanda N. Evans, stonewalling happens when someone withdraws or shuts down during a conversation or argument. “They emotionally or mentally close themselves off from their partner because they feel overwhelmed or upset, making it hard to discuss the issue respectfully,” Evans explains. You can’t solve problems when one person isn’t trying to work on them.
7
Change
Ideally, you and your partner will grow together over time, but that doesn’t always happen. Some people change and realize they’ve outgrown their partner or the relationship. Divorce attorney Melissa Fecak, Esq. tells Bustle that she often sees this with older couples who are retired. “When they were working, the differences were harder to see,” she says. “Now that there are fewer distractions, it becomes clear that they don’t have as much in common as they thought, or they’ve changed their views on how to move forward.” Change is a normal part of life. If both partners aren’t growing in the same direction, the relationship might struggle.
It’s important to pay attention to these relationship issues because they often start off small. You might not notice they’re causing harm until you feel a lot of negativity toward your partner. Being aware of these subtle issues can help you avoid divorce.
